Depression #2 – How I felt (signs & symptoms)

To my luck, It took me 5 days to realize that I am suffering from depression (thanks to my medical background). Generally, people go through depression for a very long time, even their whole life, as they are unfamiliar with its signs and symptoms.

After making the diagnosis I had to figure out the next step.Should I tell my parents? Should I see a psychiatrist or just start the medication myself?

While I was agonizing over the feelings of worthlessness, self-loathing, hopelessness and vacillating about how to deal with it, a new voice in my head started dominating my body. It was dancing over my chaotic darkness, reassuring me that the cure is to curl up in bed and isolate from the world. Compelling me to avoid everyone, as everything became pointless and meaningless.

I had body aches for no apparent reason and even the soothing winter sun seemed icky to step out. I knew I needed help to get out of this inner cage, so I called up my friend who is a psychiatrist. Truthfully, I was apprehensive and as I saw him, the urge of discussion went down the drain. That’s when I registered the intensity of my mood swings.

I cooked up an excuse of exhaustion and reassured him that everything is perfect. I wasn’t ready to vocalize my thoughts. I had a mood swing and was completely aware of it, but to my presumption, any discussion at that stage would have been a futile effort.

After this incident, more depression crept in me. I started masking my feelings which muted my cry for help. With each passing moment, I felt more terrible and pathetic. Having the knowledge about depression, knowing its signs and symptom, I was fooling my self by delaying the help that I required.

As my days passed by in this mechanical form, it became more certain that this journey is going to be arduous, whether I walk alone or with a company.

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